Fear

16 months since I last wrote anything. Curious.

I am not sure what kept me from writing although I think it was because I went back and read a few of my posts and although it was for the most part good honest writing there was still a heavy dose of pride and ego. It felt uncomfortable to write something and then have to go back and check to see if anyone was impressed. lol

I have still been sober since March 16, 2008. My recovery has felt better than ever and I am very involved with AA, meetings and sponsorship.

Business is slow so I find myself in fear as we head into the winter months but I know that is a common problem with many small business owners. The contrast is that it is not a paralyzing fear, which is the type the I used to experience which usually lead me to a drink.

I have been in situations like this, even worse, many times before and my family has never gone without. Why do I think this will be any different?

Some of the best things for me have come from painful situations which just furthers proves that I do not know what is best for me.

I will simply do the work that is in front of me and trust that everything will be ok.

Nature or Nuture? Action or Grace?

I am beginning to see that much of my life has been dictated by approval seeking and fear. These have been the main driving forces of my life. This disturbs me, but I am aware that with the programming that I received this was my path. Nobody ever described it to me or asked if I wanted it, but it is the direction that I went on.

I am beginning to awaken and see myself differently. The difference that I see myself is the polar opposite of how I saw myself before. I used to see myself as unique, separate from seemingly most of humanity. Mostly better than, but often less than, never equal. I am beginning to see myself as part of humanity. One cell if you will of a giant moving, evolving biomass. I wonder if insects feeling the same sense of separateness or loneliness as I did or still do? We humans believe that we are on top of the food chain, the most intelligent life form, but are we? I am so unsure of reality and very comfortable in the unknowing of the mysterious.

If there is a supreme intelligence, I wonder if it finds great amusement in the human pride and ego?

I find pride and ego so entrenched in my being that I am often delusional by the absence of it. I will then become painfully aware that it is alive and well which is usually followed by laughing at myself. I find it hard to believe that the masters or spiritual sages of this world ever became free of this, although it maybe possible. I cannot envision myself without my constant, life saving companion. lol

I often find myself prideful over my education, intelligence, gift for public speaking, social standing, my kind nature, etc.....

I was reflecting on this and I thought; do I have any credit in my accomplishments or failures?

 I was born into an upper middle class family, my father was an Orthodontist. He was an educated man. I was brought up in white suburbia, surrounded by educated people. I went to good public schools and my dad supported me through all phases of higher education. I was raised religious, so the spiritual life was always there. The path of least resistance was to do what others were doing. The kids I grew up with are generally successful in a worldly way. My ego and pride wants to take credit for my path which I find almost comical.

Had I been born in a rural or urban environment under different circumstances, like a single, drug addicted mother, then there is a high mathematical probability that my life would involve crime or poverty. The same example can be used in countless different scenarios like third world countries, being born into a royal family, into wealth, etc....

I have been programmed to believe that anything is possible and your reap what you sow. That maybe true, but I think the evidence dictates quite the opposite. For the few that do change from one social status to another, was it their doing or simply circumstance or luck?

I find it baffling that I bought, and I am sure I still buy into the fact, that I am more or less superior to another human.

Does one ant think of himself superior to another?

This air of superiority or difference, allows us humans to do unspeakable things to each other.

An analogy came to mind where the gardener is watering his flourishing garden with a hose. I am often the hose and I feel that the garden is flourishing because I am delivering it's life when in reality I am simply the vehicle.

Parenting?

The last several weeks have been rather peaceful, except for a few minor glitches which I have come to believe are 100% normal. I am glad to have that awareness today.

My middle son is 14. He has a wonderful sense of humor, very active socially and physically (skateboarding) and is a very sensitive and compassionate human for a 14 year old. One of his passions is the guitar. We started him out with lessons but he does not like to be taught anything and decided he did not want anymore lessons. I thought that would be the end of his guitar playing but again I was wrong. He started off by finding guitar parts in songs that he liked and then he found  a website where it shows you how to play it. We also bought him a program that instructs. He has been very dedicated for sometime now, at least a year if not two. He tried out for his middle school talent show and made the program and yesterday performed an entire song by Coheed and Cambria by himself in front of his entire student body. It was during school so everyone attended. There were two shows with a full  auditorium of about 600 kids. I was shocked at how well he did and how calm he appeared having never been in front of people before. The student stage crew put the mike to close to his amp so certain notes on the guitar would cause the mike to squeal which I thought would have distracted him but it did not appear to do so.

Here is his webpage and if you scroll down you can watch a video of him playing: Karsten

Now of course I am a proud parent but not in the same way that I used to be when my oldest son whom I coached in baseball would do well. That was an extension of me and my dreams and I was attached. For the last few years I watch my son excel at baseball and that attachment is gone and I simply enjoy watching him enjoy himself. The unhealthy part has melted away most of the time.

I understand today that my children may be genetic offspring of ours but they are complete and separate human beings and for whatever reason I have been given stewardship of them during their growing years. I do not have ownership of them nor can I control them anymore. Anytime I have attempted to control any aspect of my teenagers life I become miserable and create a distance between us.

I feel like my wife and I understood parenting with baby's, toddlers and preteen years. This teenage stage, not so much.

Case in point, my 14 year old has been struggling in school for the past three terms. Now when I say struggling I mean he simply is not doing homework or any work for that matter. My wife teaches at his middle school and they have a wonderful (I think it is wonderful?) parent computer interface where you can see what your student is doing in each class, complete with assignments and grades. When we see him with D's and F's during the term we decided to take away computer, friends and TV on school days until his grades improved. This sounds fairly easy in it's conceptual form but to put it into action, that is another story. I work long hours and my so does my wife. So the role of homework police became a constant struggle and point of contention. My son becomes almost unglued at any confrontation. We never yell and seldom raise our voices but just try to talk about actions and consequences but this drives him crazy, thus driving me crazy, or better put, I join into the tension and contention.

The payoff for me is not feeling comfortable in my own home. I know the grades drive my wife crazy and thus I feel the need to "fix" the problem and I then am frustrated when my great logic and wisdom is unappreciated by my son. lol 

End result, I do what I do best, sulk and retreat to self pity and isolation. Which for me is the first step to losing my sobriety. Loss of my sobriety is flirting with suicide. I cannot afford this.

I talked with my wife, my counselor and my sponsor about the conflict and received the same advice from each one. Retire as the homework policeman and return to being his father and most importantly his friend. I talked with him and apologized for being angry with him and told him that if I ever gave him the impression that I did not love and respect him and was extremely proud of him, that my message was way off base. I am disappointed with his effort in school but am really impressed with his human skills. We are just talking about grades in Junior High and I will try not to talk about it with him anymore.

Since I have done that we are back to being close and the weight of the world seems much lighter.

I don't know if his grades will get better and I am unsure of just how important grades are anyhow. I skated by junior high and high school with next to no effort and lot's of cheating but when "I" decided to pursue education in college it all changed and I fell in love with education. It may happen to him and it may not.

I understand that the only real lesson I can give my children is how I do life. They learn from example and I have given them bad and good examples. I am real comfortable with the example I show them today. I also respect that they will chose their own path and that path will most likely involve pain and suffering, just like mine. I know that for me the pain and suffering has been the most important lesson of my life because it brought me to a point of unknowing. Unknowing is the beginning of understanding the formless and then becoming comfortable in the state of unknowing the mystery that is life. I experience freedom in the moments I am there, although still fleeting.

mindfulness cognitive therapy

My good Xanga friend ron suggested that I checkout mindfulness cognitive therapy. I found an LCSW in Salt Lake City and I went to him for the first time on Friday.

With my new business there are so many tasks to do that I have felt overwhelmed and stressed most of the time. I knew that if I did not address these issues bad things would come to pass. Last year I went to another counselor he did not really do any counseling except for to tell me that everything would be alright and not to kill myself and then gave me medication. This was sage advice but did not address the root of my issues.

The new counselor and I talked for about fifty minutes, it was more of an interview session for him to understand where I was at. He is a kind, serene individual and I felt immediately comfortable with him. He asked many probing questions, not the usual psychoanalytical stuff but more interested in my meditation and spiritual practice and my awareness of issues.

The shocking part is that when we were near the end he mentioned how well I was doing with my awareness and was impressed with my practice. He asked a few more questions that were directed to get me to be aware that I was searching for a destination and could not see my progress or current state, which is quite good.

This was an epiphany for me as I realized that yet again I am looking for a destination that I have never seen another human experience. I am struggling with the realities of life.

It changed my perspective for the last two days and gave me a certain self-confidence that I am on the right track or maybe better put, already there.

My life is really good. I am surrounded by people who love and respect me. I have little to no conflict in my life, except with myself. (lol) My only uncertainty is my financial future but as my wife pointed out at dinner last night, who do you know that isn't worried about that. Even our "rich friends" are concerned, so maybe that is just our inherent programming?

I know that for me to be free is to just be present today.

The gift of Sobriety

Sobriety is such a precious commodity to a drunk like me. I realize that people who are not alcoholics can never truly understand what the gift of sobriety feels like to a hopeless, suicidal drunk like myself. I have tried to stay sober by self-knowledge and self-will and though I may have had small periods of not drinking it was always met with the same result, another mystifying drink. I still shutter when I think of the feeling I felt when I came to the next morning and looked in the mirror. I hated the failure that I had become. I was so confused and the mere thought of what I had become made me want to scream with horror and I wanted to run but knew I could not run from myself.

I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous September 26th, 2004 and grabbed onto the program like a drowning man grabs a life preserver. I tried to follow every suggestion and if I am honest with myself, I probably worked the program too hard. I understand a little better now when the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that alcohol was but a symptom of our problem. I wanted ten years of sobriety the moment I arrived. I wanted to be the AA guru and I studied AA and other spiritual texts with vigor. When I prayed or meditated, I was hoping for a "white light" experience. I did not just want to get sober but I wanted to levitate or become sage like. I was always embarrassed about how little "time" I had in the program.

In December of 2007, a depression came upon me like I have never experienced, at least without self-medicating. I was sober and suicidal. WHAT? I was so confused. I tried all of the things I could think of that the program taught me. Talked to my sponsor and he suggested I go to a professional. The professional diagnosed me with a severe anxiety disorder and severe genetical depression and said that I would need to be on medication for the rest of my life. I did their medications for about a year and after all the pitfalls of the first two medications that made things worse they finally found one that did not make it worse. In hindsight it did not make it better either. Just a flat, emotionless existence. Life had lost it's flavor and after a year of the meds I had had enough. I decided to wean myself off of these meds and I agreed that I wanted life in all of it's glory and in all of it's horror. That was three months or more ago and for me it was the right decision.

In hindsight this last year of chronic relapses is starting to make sense. I suffer from anxiety because I am extremely fearful. I am fearful because my father showed me that I was not good enough. I suffer from perfectionism, to excel is not good enough, it must be perfect, thus, always short. I could see the successes in others but never in myself. I have always been striving for a destination but have never arrived. My wife pointed out to me several months back how she has never seen me enjoy any of the successes that I have accomplished. I now see that I did not even go to my own High School or college graduations?????

I am so thankful for this last year although I am amazed that I am still alive. There were months where I had to practice the 24 hour program of not killing myself. Just for today.....

My illusion that I had spiritually graduated from AA and to test that all I had to do was take a drink, has been smashed. I realize, most of the time (lol), that I am human, just like everyone else. I am often selfish and saintly in the same day. Sobriety is a daily gift to me. I know that I can't stay sober by myself, I have proven this fact. When I am in this state of mind, that sobriety is a gift, it is effortless. I now understand why I have heard thousands of times that this is simply a one day at a time program. Not only is sobriety this way but so is life if I let it. The only reality that I know is now.

I am enjoying the surrender to the drink, in all of it's altering forms, pill, powder or liquid but am grappling with the surrender with my business. I am working it just like I did AA for the first 2 1/2 years and if I don't change, I will most likely burn out in the same fashion.

Today I am grateful for so many things, my mind races with all the gratitude. This is a good spot for me even though my mind is tight with the tension of all the unfinished tasks of my work.